churning through sick lullabies
by Tiffany Blews
Summary: Wrong place, wrong time, wrong gender... It doesn't change a thing. Tori/Jade.


She spends a lot of time telling herself it's resilience that makes her chase after Jade's friendship. Deeper inside, though, she knows the moment they meet.

This is it for her.

Wrong place, wrong time, wrong gender... It doesn't change a thing.

* * *

><p>She dates Andre for three years after high school. She could've kept the charade up forever, but Andre finally says enough is enough.<p>

"I deserve love, Tori. I deserve someone who isnt just settling for me." He steps away from her, a pitying look on his face.

"I can see it in your eyes, you know. I always could."

Tori swallows hard, "What are you talking about?"

Andre just shakes his head.

* * *

><p>She sees Jade from across a store three months after she and Andre call it quits.<p>

Jade's shopping for baby clothes. Her stomach is only slightly more round but she has the unmistakable glow of pregnancy on her face. She looks beautiful and perfect and Tori doesn't know why it still hurts.

* * *

><p>On the night of graduation, Jade begs Tori to go star gazing with her.<p>

Tori says no a million times before she obliges. Jade takes her hand and they run out of the party, Jade tripping in her heels from the alcohol and Tori just trying to keep up. The moon is full and bright among thousands of glittering stars. It gives Jade's skin an eery glow as she tilts her face to the sky. She lies down on the soft grass and pulls Tori down to join her.

"Doesn't it make you sad to know that there's so much of the world that we'll never get to see? Oceans and deserts and mountains..." she says slowly, words tumbling out of her mouth.

Tori turns the idea over in her head, "I try not to think about it. I'm happy where I am."

She's really, really happy where she is. (Jade's still holding her hand.)

Jade sighs, "I want to do it all."

Tori thinks it's all very poetic, this night, with Jade by her side, the sky above them, open and beautiful. The world is before them. No chains, no obligations. They are free. Still, when Jade says soft words and laughs like she's truly the happiest girl in the world (and it would be so easy)... Still, Tori doesn't tell her.

* * *

><p>The first time she sees Jade after graduation is at the premiere of Beck's new movie.<p>

He sent them all tickets and she came with Andre and Cat, who's spinning around in front of the cameras like she's the star. Tori tries to grab hold of her hand and steer her in the right direction, but she keeps darting away and Andre just laughs at her antics. They're preoccupied with watching her when the happy couple walk up.

"Tori, you look good. Not too glittery. I like."

Jade looks fucking gorgeous. She has her hair pin-straight, her eye make up is dark and she's wearing a skin tight black lace number, the epitimy of mystery and beauty.

They make small talk and Jade gives her a few more backhanded compliments. Beck and Andre catch up on their bromance, and Tori's hands are shaking. Being so near to Jade again is doing crazy things to her mind. Cat finally gets tired of playing starlet and joins them right before they walk into the theater.

Tori sits between Andre and Jade, and when the lights go down and Beck's face appears on screen, Jade grasps Tori's hand in excitement.

Will this feeling ever go away?

* * *

><p>She gets the invitation in the mail one day while Andre's strumming his guitar, humming along in the living room.<p>

It knocks the breath out of her. She drops the folded piece of paper with their names printed on it in calligraphy and holds on with white knuckles to the kitchen table. And she doesn't know why she's so suprised, because she knew it was coming. It's something that she's always been sure of, so why does it hurt so much, now?

She breathes in and out slowly until she regains her composure, then she tells Andre and he calls Beck and says, _hey, man, way to spring it on us._

Tori feels sick and sad and so, so lost.

* * *

><p>"Love is always temporary," Jade says, filing her nails and looking utterly bored with the conversation while her phone vibrates again on the table with another call from Beck. They're fighting over stupid something and she's in one of her moods.<p>

Tori stills on the couch across from her, popcorn-filled hand pausing in front of her face. She forces herself to move again, to act normal, but the statement is stuck in her head, repeating over and over.

Love is always temporary.

Tori disagrees.

* * *

><p>Once, Jade talks her into cutting class for no reason at all.<p>

She's got her sunglasses on and she's singing some weird song on the radio while Tori's trying not to appear entranced by her. She taps her black fingernails on the steering wheel as she takes curves too sharp, driving her new red Mustang like she's in the Daytona 500. Tori holds on for dear life and Jade laughs, loud and happy.

Jade lights a cigarette and tells Tori that everything's more fun when you're skipping school to do it.

Tori thinks everything's more fun when she's got Jade by her side, but it really could be either one.

* * *

><p>Jade does an Indie film that goes viral during Tori's first year of college.<p>

It's some movie about the end of the world that was low budget with no big name stars, but the acting was praised all over the country and it gets Jade a lot of recognition. Her face is everywhere for a few months, and Tori can't help but gobble up any piece of information she can find about her.

Tori rents it one afternoon when Andre is out. She watches Jade deliver lines about choices and humanity and love with tears in her eyes, not because of the sad plot, but because she knows that Jade is really doing it, now. She's really living her dream, and Tori's sitting on her couch pining after her, crying about shit that's clearly in the past, shit that clearly never happened at all.

* * *

><p>They name the baby Addison.<p>

Jade smiles at her softly from her hospital bed, quickly motions her over. Her face is devoid of make up and her hair is a dark, natural brown instead of the black she started sporting during senior year. She looks motherly, nice, and the sight kind of kills Tori a little bit.

"How are you?" Tori whispers, glancing at Beck, who's sprawled, snoring, across two uncomfortable looking chairs.

"I just had a baby rip her way out of my vagina, but, other than that, pretty good."

There's the Jade that she knows. She laughs quietly, and Jade gives her another glowing smile, then pats the bed beside her. Tori sits down and folds her hands in her lap, tries to think of something to say.

"How've you been?" Jade asks, and Tori knows she's trying to whisper for Beck's sake, but she's never been good at it.

"Alright. I've been auditioning a lot lately, nothing serious though. School sucks."

Jade nods, like she knows anything about failure in the film industry or the strain of college. Tori's not jealous, though... Right?

"Well, would you like to see her?"

Tori thinks, no, because that makes it real, but she says yes, and Jade rings in a nurse.

Tori's never seen anything more beautiful than Addison Oliver, that she's sure of. She is a perfect mix of Jade and Beck, both of their best traits blended together in a little baby girl. Tori holds her delicately in her arms as Jade smiles that blinding smile that Addison will surely have, too. Beck wakes up sometime between the nurse leaving the room and Jade snapping pictures on her phone, and he stands over them at coo's at the baby.

Tori feels trapped between the three of them, some awkward visitor in their perfect world. She aches from the tips of her toes to the ends of her hair. This is a pain like no other.

* * *

><p>Jade and Beck break up for three months during their senior year.<p>

Tori and Jade start spending a lot of time together, and Tori thinks, hey, maybe this is it. Maybe this is my chance. Jade softens toward her, invites her into the world Tori's been orbiting for years. There is only a little viciousness in her words now, and Tori revels in their friendship, lets herself really fall for Jade. The feeling is scary and wonderful and perfect.

And then Jade and Beck get back together and Tori realizes none of it was real, at least for Jade. It was all in her head.

Tori realizes that, sometimes, love is onesided, and, other times, it never happens at all.

* * *

><p>Jade freaks out a week before the wedding and shows up at Tori's house at 3 AM.<p>

Her hair is dripping wet from the rain, and her eyes are puffy and makeup smeared, but Tori pretends its not from crying. Jade brushes past Tori into her little apartment and starts making herself a pot of coffee. Tori walks into the kitchen, sits at the table, and waits for Jade to start talking.

"I might be having a nervous breakdown and I need you to talk me through it." Jade says, finally, as she sits down across from Tori.

"Okay... What's going on?" Tori asks, taking in the sight of Jade, as she always does. Even a mess, she is beautiful. She will always be beautiful, to Tori.

"I just... This is my life, you know? And now I have to share it with Beck. I have to share everything with Beck. I just don't know if I'm ready for that."

She's staring down at her coffee, tracing the rim of the cup.

"You've always been with Beck, Jade. It's nothing new."

Jade sighs, "It is, though. Marriage is final. I can't just break up with him, after this. What if I'm not ready?"

Tori doesn't know what Jade wants her to say. She can't tell her it'll all be fine, she can't tell her to do it, because she's not sure, and she doesn't want her to. She wants Jade to call the whole damn thing off, for reasons that are still hard to admit.

"Jade..." And Jade looks up at her, trusting and hoping for some kind of assurance, and Tori chokes on her words.

"I think you and Beck are perfect for each other."

Jade smiles, sighs, grasps Tori's hands from across the table.

* * *

><p>Jade's wasted.<p>

Tori can't breathe from all the smoke in the room and her head's all spinny from the shots she did with Cat earlier. She goes to Jade's side, asks her if she's okay. Jade replies, _yes, duh_, but then she stumbles into Tori and they both almost fall to the floor. Jade giggles and tells her to stop being so clumsy.

Tori rolls her eyes but her skin's tingly from where Jade's fingers are pressed into her side. Jade sags against her and Tori knows that she's only minutes away from passing out. And where is Beck?

"Beck's an asshole," Jade replies, as if she could read Tori's mind, "He got pissed at me and left. I was just dancing! What a dick."

Tori laughs and Jade takes another swig of the pint of whiskey she's been carrying around all night, "I'm really tired."

Tori shifts under Jade's weight, says "You wanna go find a place to sit down?"

Jade looks at her for a moment and then shakes her off and dissapears down a hallway. Tori manuevers her way through dancing bodies, trying to catch up, but she knows Jade is gone. She peeks into darkened bedrooms, whispering Jade's name until she finds her.

"Tori, I'm in here."

Jade's sprawled out across a bed, her body covered in moonlight, her shirt riding up to show her stomach. She stretches her hands up above her head and rolls to face Tori.

Tori walks in slowly, stands in front of the bed. Jade pats the mattress, says _lie down with me_.

Tori obliges, lays her head back on the pillows, feels the vodka pulsing through her brain. Jade crawls up beside her, props up on one of her elbows. She looks at Tori like she's studying a painting, so close that Tori can smell the alcohol on her breath. Tori's heart jumps, stutters.

"You're so pretty, you know?" Jade whispers, and Tori can't even breathe.

Jade smiles, kisses Tori on the cheek and lies back down. Minutes later, she's asleep.

* * *

><p>Tori meets someone when Addison is six months old.<p>

His name is Jacob and he's a law student. He is nice and polite and treats her like she should be treated. He takes her on dates and respects her boundaries and her parents loves him. He is everything Tori should want in a man.

Still, when her phone rings with Jade on the other end, nothing else in the world matters.

* * *

><p>When Jade says <em>I do<em>, Tori's crying for a whole different reason than the rest of the wedding party.

She holds on tight to her bouque of roses, tries to keep her heart from cracking open and spilling its contents onto the floor. Jade smiles and kisses Beck, stars in her eyes and happiness apparent in the blush of her cheeks.

Tori knew this was coming. She knew.

She skips out on the reception and spends the whole night alone in her apartment.

* * *

><p>Jade sends her videos of Addison weekly.<p>

She has dark brown hair and beautiful rose bud lips. Her eyes are the same color as Jade's and the first word she says is daddy. She is beautiful and perfect and every time Tori sees her, she falls in love all over again. Jade dresses her in frilly, pink outfits that Tori never would've imagined Jade's child would wear. She and Beck are spoiling her rotten.

Her first birthday party is held in a park near their old high school. Andre brings his fiance and Tori brings Jacob. Beck takes to him immediatley and Jade keeps shooting her glances that say _he's the one_. Cat tells him he'll be her first phone call if she ever needs a lawyer.

Tori plays with Addison and tries not to watch Jade. She has someone now, and she's been working hard at moving on. Andre sits down beside her when his fiance is getting a piece of cake. Addison grabs at his fingers and he coo's at her.

"Jade and Beck sure did make a beautiful baby."

Tori nods, "She's a movie star in training."

Andre chuckles, stares at Jade and Beck where they sit across from them, chatting with Jacob and Robbie.

"You're still in love with her, aren't you?" He asks somberly.

Tori smoothes down the edges of the baby's dress, says _yes_ so quietly that it's almost a whisper. He pats her leg like he knows her struggle.

And life goes on.

* * *

><p>But love is temporary, right?<p> 


End file.
